Sarcastic Board Game Reviews : Twister!

Classic Board Games : Twister Rated R

I was going through my dusty board game shelf and found a brand new, sealed copy of Twister. I’m going to rip it right open and play with all my friends!!! O ya! I have no friends. Well, no one that would want to play it with me. At this point I don’t know if I could bend down to play it. The most bending I do is when I drop my Xbox One controller after getting my butt kicked in Lego Marvel. It’s pretty much a safe bet that if you are over the age of 10 playing this game it has something to do with sex.

How can it not be? Look at the picture and how horny everybody looks! Why have the Christian church radicals not banned the sale of this thing in stores everywhere? Repent says Jesus. Repent he says!!! (Insert ominous music followed by a collection plate, the non-written tipping law keeping them in power). As a kid I did not think about how sex-ifed Twister is, I just found the game boring.

Classic Board Games : Twister Rated R

Instead of thinking how close you might be to a girl’s private parts I was thinking this position really hurts my neck. What if my friend Mark farts when his right hand is on yellow? What if I fart when I reach for blue with my right foot? The game might be re-named Socially Awkward – The game that ties your confidence in a bunch.

So now I’m sitting here wondering what to do with this board game. If I try to give it to the neighbors’ kids the parents might think I’m a pedophile. (In an Italian accent) “Ah, Da Twister. A jail yard favorite from the ‘old country.” But I wonder has there ever been and adult group of people playing this. Well, that does not belong to some satanic cult or sex swinger club. It seems like Twister has a really narrow market of kids up until they are 10.

If Twister were made by an independent company I’d say it would surly fail. Maybe having Twister in the stores just adds to the atmosphere of buying a board game and if you don’t see in on the shelves you will go ape shit! You will never want to actually buy the game Twister but it needs to be on the shelf damn it. For ‘Merica!

Classic Board Games : Twister Rated R

A real life comment from a super religious home mom might go like this. – “I let my kids play Twister, I’m a rebel. But I don’t dare like them put their hands or feet on the red circles. Thems the devil’s colors! As was said in The Fake Testament 45:31. Be gone vile red! Be gone!”

Did the movie Twister do a cross-promotion with this game – Imagine the sales potential!

– Great for kids going through puberty!
– Good way to find out if you are gay or not.
– Nostalgia for something you never knew you liked.
– Chances of teenage pregnancy increased by 1000%
– Could leave to potential race issues.
– How many of you fart at the slightest bend of the waist. Yep, I know!

Now it’s your turn – Let us know about your good and not so good memories of playing Twister in the comment section below! Were you a saint or a sinner?


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