Steamy Reviews: Fleet Command (1999)

Treasure HarborSometimes you just want to jump into a sleek tight fitting pair of pants and play war with the fellows. This was the case when I decided to play the ingeniously titled, Fleet Command. Maybe it should be Naval Fleet Command instead – a fleet could be anything taxis, garbage trucks or bible wielding salesman. I was all set for making fun of seamen and all the funny jokes that could be made of man on man naval warfare in the harsh waves of Fleet Command but it looks like my skipper is drunk at sea with his mistress Kiki.

This is another one of those games that gets included in a grab bag of games for maybe a nickel a piece on Steam sales. Well they cost more than that but you get the point. Going into this game I knew nothing about it, other than I had not played in before. I feel as a reviewer I should give a detailed history of my gaming preferences, my age, blood type and warm urine sample to fulfill some unwritten rule about reviewing games instead of just rambling on about it. But screw that, and not in a bunkmate kind of way. This game is so boring!

I was thinking of what could be considered great about this game but I can’t think of anything. Good promotion for the Navy? Nope. Amazing ship tactics? Nope. Intuitive gameplay that any player can pick up and play? No. Graphics from 1996? Yes. Enough material to make gay Navy jokes? Not really, but I’m up for a good challenge. Hey since it has graphics as old as 1996 I can say gay and not ghay or homosexual jokes. Take that Ellen!

 Treasure Harbor

Fleet Command Steam Game

As you can see I’ve played roughly 30 minutes of this game thus far. And I admit 10 minutes of that was used making a grilled cheese sandwich. I was impressed with my cooking skills, yet I feel I put too much butter on the flip side. Once again that could be fuel for an awesome homophobic joke inspired by this game! Yet its so bad I don’t feel like laying down the pipe jokes. The game bores me to death. I did not bother reading the direction and messed around in a single mission then tried the tutorial till it broke. I guess I clicked on something wrong or at the wrong time then got completely lost at sea, pun intended.

The interface is so off-putting, it’s not clear what you are to do. Like how to return movies to a RedBox. On the surface it looks like it’s complicated but from what I have found it’s just a point and click naval strategy game. With a loose focus on the strategy part of said strategy game. To the developers the word strategy might simply mean – the player picks what things to do – so anything can be a strategy game?  If you see a ship coming at you click on yours, if you can spot them, then click on the bad guy to kill them. No strategy, no aligning your ships in different patterns or squads. I’m sure there is some official term for that. I’m in charge! You go there buddy and you like it! Ugh, its draining to my energy level as a Human being.

Treasure Harbor

Maybe I’m missing the point of this game, and I admit need to give it more time. But 30 minutes into a game you should make you feel compelled to continue on. I’ve spent more time with a Flash game and gotten much more enjoyment out of it than this. And I really wanted to make fun of close-quartered men out at sea! There really is a lack of polish that makes me feel like the game is not done or fleshed-out as other reviewers say. So this zombie skeleton of a game might have passed in 1996 but it came out it 1999 and seems even older playing it in 2014. Its funny that the Jane’s title of the game is removed for the Steam released. Is this some legal matter or are the people from Jane’s so embarrassed about the game?

Just read the copy on the steam page and tell me you can’t think of at least 42 rated R jokes! “International waterways become theaters of war when the world’s most formidable maritime powers exchange their fatal blows.”

I was hoping for a game like Silent Service on the NES. At least something somewhat tactical, I don’t know if it’s in this game but from my short stent with it I’m bored to death. Are sea battles this boring? Why do subs come out of nowhere and kill me, how do I detect them? Why can I launch 3052 aircraft and not be able to tell each one apart.

Remember the old EA marketing BS asking gamers Can a Computer Make You Cry? Yes EA, yes it can if you play this game. I don’t like destroying things but I wish I had a physical copy of this so I could put it into my blender and bury the remaining pieces at sea. Well since I don’t live near a sea the toilet would have to do! Although m luck the shattered pieces of this retarded game would black log my toilet then flood my house and I would be unable to make grilled cheese again! Or you know, live there.

If I decide to give the game another chance I will post an update. And remember gamers if your rudder gets jammed with a torpedo think butter, pure gold butter!

Treasure Harbor

Pros:

–          Has the potential for many seaman jokes if you know what I mean

–          Possibility of actual game depth if you learn how to play

–          I can run it with max settings and I’m sure your phone can too

Cons:

–          No In The Navy Song

–          What am I supposed to do?

–          Dated graphics and interface.

My Favorite Aspect

I don’t have a favorite aspect of this game yet. I want to have one, like a girlfriend but the search continues on. S.O.S.

My Least Favorite Aspect

If I say anything bad about this game nerds will pelt me with Funyuns. If I say anything bad about the Navy people from the Air Force will laugh.

Da Marketing Gimmick of Da Game!

About the Game – From Stem Page

International waterways become theaters of war when the world’s most formidable maritime powers exchange their fatal blows. With entire fleets at your command, you must strategically deploy vessels from every class – frigate to aircraft to nuclear submarine – to maintain the precarious balance of naval power and gain position for the deadly endgame. ( A COMEDIAN’S DREAM!)

  • Campaigns and mission scenarios straight from current headlines (LIKE A NEWS MEDIA MADE UP “TERRORIST-THREAT” AT THE OLYMPICS?)
  • Exclusive real-time strategy with cuttingedge (SPELLED WRONG HAHAHA), real-world weapons
  • Intuitive point and click game play (INTUITIVE HAHAHA COMEDY GOLD!)
  • No need to memorize symbols or complex commands (EVEN A 1ST GRADER CAN KILL!)
  • Player designed task forces (UMMM SURE)
  • Complete 3D environment rotates and zooms for intense combat action (INTENSE IS USED LOOSELY HERE)
  • Effects modeled in stunning detail- time of day, clouds, rain, differing sea states, ship’s wake and pyrotechnics (IS VOMIT MODELED IN 3D AS WELL?)

System Requirements

Recommended: Windows 2000/XP, Pentium III, 256MB RAM, 1.5G Hard drive space, 32MB video card (Nvidia Geforce or ATI Radeon) DirectX 8.1 compatible sound card

Treasure Harbor

The gimmick of this game is that you can control powerful forces to destroy the enemy as if you are really a commander of a fleet. I would think running a whole naval operation would be just a bit more complicated then pointing and clicking at a map. You could do that from your basement while eating pretzels then write a review about …..I’m sure being a naval commander is stressful stuff and nowhere as simple as this game. Plus I’m sure the game would be a lot more fun if you were wearing a cool hat. Most things are better while wearing hats!

But being in the Navy is not a service, it’s just a job. If you were drafted then yes you are doing a service. But joining because your Podunk town has no jobs and you aid and embed the countless killings of people around the world for oil then that is not a service to anybody. What was that? Some rambling about freedom of speech cause real men killed innocent people for our freedoms? Yep, no diplomacy and talking garners more benefits to Humanity then your beloved guns. Boom yay!

So I felt like I’m doing a service to gamers around the world, for humor, for fun and to avoid grabbing weird generic sounding games in a Steam Sale.

In My Version

I’m a fan of these kinds of simulation games if the interface is helpful and complex. I hate when games take something complex and make it simple yet micromanaging every pointless aspect like in Age of Empires games is tiring. Introduce some sort of AI system that allows you to control commanders yet they make their own decisions. Or be able to jump into each ship / aircraft to give orders or control it yourself.

Treasure Harbor

I would send an aircraft at an enemy unit yet it does not seem to move any faster. Dude! The world is at stake pick up the pace man! Do the planes have unlimited missiles, what about guns? I want more control.

This also could be a nice multiplayer game if each person could control a ship. Just imagine how awesome that would be! I will play the game more to give more insight into some changes I would add.

If you have not figured it out from reading this is a work of fiction for fun only. So if you don’t have a sense of humor, get one. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental so bite me!

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