Crayons for all, I mean pencils, wait a minute…

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I find that when drawing cute pictures of ponies, dragons and sharks I like the old fashion feel of a wooden pencil instead of a mechanical one for some odd reason. My art drawer was getting a bit low on pencils, ok, I had none, so I decided that I should get some next time I hit up a cheap store. That cheap store being the Dollar Tree had a small selection of pencils. I sorted through the various styles and found the ones that looked the least girly for my tastes. I choose this pack for its awesome amount of red and blue, it seems so patriotic and manly, don’t you agree?

I was bursting at the seams that I finally got some new pencils and I could draw anything I wanted in the world. Actually, they fell out of the bag in my car and 3 weeks later I found them and said something to myself such as “I forgot I bought these, sweet deep fried cat legs; it’s time to draw”. As I skipped my way into my house to enjoy an exciting session of art I flipped the package over.

What is funny, strange and bizarre is when you turn over this package of pencils it says crayons. Holy LSD Batman! What does this mean? These are not crayons at all, they are pencils! I am shocked this got past quality control. Do they even have a quality control department in China where these were made? This conundrum boggled my mine for ages, for precious hours, for well at least 13 seconds. I thought to myself those silly Chinese are playing an April fool’s joke on us Americans and proceeded to draw the ultimate tree house complete with rocket launcher turrets and a laser fence.

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You would think it’s pretty hard to mess up a pencil right? Well this company sure has done just that. I sharpened my pencil with a bit of drool anticipating the awesome turret I was about to draw. I spun and spun the pencil around inside a sultry Cinderella inspired sharpener. Why is she so flirty with me, all I want to do is sharpen my pencil. Well that sounds bad, but look at where the hole is on the sharper to stick the pencil in.

I tried many times to sharpen the pencil, I could not. I felt like I failed 3rd grade again or something worse that stuns kid’s growth. Why can’t I sharpen it? I finally got it sharped without the tip breaking off but now the pencil is shorter that Michele Bachmann’s campaign run. I went through another half a pencil before I could actually get down to drawing my idea.

I did a bit of research after my masterpiece was completed. Actually, I made that part up. The only interesting thing I could think to draw was an apple with a worm coming out of it. I finished the drawing and looked for a magnet to hang it proudly on my fridge. I was out of magnets so I just threw the drawing away along with the pencils. After that I found these are not approved by the CPSCconsumer product safety commission. These fine people did not approve of these “crayons” that I put in my mouth, I mean pencils. I began to worry; I checked my hair, my arms, and my legs. I even spun around in circles, patted my head and sung the National Anthem in attempts to see if I was indeed infected with lead poising. I am still alive to write this review so everything checks out so far. There is a lot of talk about the dangerous lead getting into kids system from pencils and most have been converted over to graphite thankfully.

The biggest concern to me is not the dangers of the pencils but the fact the pencils are in fact called crayons. Don’t be confused little kids, these are in fact pencils. If you are looking to live on the edge head on down to your local Dollar Tree and pick up a few packs, some Faygo cola and 3 month old marshmallow Santa’s for a jolly art time. Like a dog tilting his head trying to figure out what to do next I am going to end this review – goodnight dear reader.


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